By Karen Kalata
This is not the best memory out of me, but to illustrate a point I will share it. It was something that happened to me many, many years ago. I remember it well and I have shared this story at least twice before.
I was with my father, and going through a hard time. I was trying to get out of the house, and I had a hard time sleeping the night before. All of these racing thoughts were running through my mind, making it very difficult to sleep. Not to mention I was continually hearing voices, but I didn’t see things.
I came home after driving around the city and having lunch out , my father walked out to my balcony. Was I ever getting angry. Angry at all of the noise in my head. It literally was driving me crazy. So to do what I do when I get mad, I walked into my bathroom and in a fit of anger and hostility with myself and not being able to feel well again. I opened my cabinet and pulled out my Olanzapine an antipsychotic and took the top off and swallowed the entire bottle. As if that wasn’t enough, I then grabbed a bottle of Clonazepam and Benzo and anxiety medication. I twisted the top off of that too. And swallowed all of it was well.
I walked right into my living room, and just fell over backward on my couch probably from sheer exhausting. There’s nothing worse than not being able to sleep. And within the hour, I was out like a light. Apparently too, somewhere in my steps I locked my father out on the balcony.
This is the thing, surviving psychosis can be difficult, but just know, what I did is not the thing to do. I later learned all about it. Because what had happened to me was nothing short of a miracle.
I woked up the next day, and I changed my mind.
I got up off the couch and the voices in my head said, “…come on Baby.” Then again, “…come on Baby.” As if these same voices were now trying to help me by encouraging me to stand strong and press on.
I stumbled over to the tall kitchen chair and grabbed it and could barely walk. My legs were very weak and I was not stable on my feet, either. I pushed the chair to the garbage can, and just leaned over and threw everything up. Then I fainted and feel to the floor. But with my voices, I didn’t feel alone.
My head hit the floor, and later I learned I had a seizure.
But I immediately stood up and by a miracle I made it. And I was as scared as ever. Just thinking how much I valued my life, and how I felt so ashamed that I did this to myself.
But it was the voices in my head that had helped me, by encouraging me to stand up, and live. As if they knew just how important and special I was.
This is just it psychosis is a tough one. In simple terms it’s where we are losing touch with reality. With a psychotic disorder like I have, we live in a dream like state. And those of us who don’t have the diagnoses that we have do not understand.
Case in point I had a psychiatrist who was a Medical Director, as well. Once told me, “Entertain the possibility that your thoughts are not real.” If that wasn’t a blow below the belt, what was?
Our thoughts are very real.
My thoughts are very real.
When we hear voices, or see things, this may be just for a short period of time. I understand that we want immediate relief but time corrects all problem. Just know in your heart – you will get through it.
Call someone if you feel out of sorts to the point where you are making bad decisions. Get ahold of yourself, call 911. Call your therapist or call a friend that can offer you up some great advice.
With me, I didn’t ever want to tell anyone what I had done. But I learned from it. I learned that as much as I wanted to sleep. I wanted the love of others and to get back to my life, because my life is beatitful.
If you’re uncertain about what exactly psychosis is, talk to someone. If you hear voices or see things, ask a million questions until you get the answer you need. It may be something simple like a medication adjustment.
For me, now that I’m older I go though bouts of acute psychosis. But all our diagnosis and symptoms are different with each and every one of us.
My main point I want to say, is just know other people have experienced just what you may be going thorough. Don’t ever give up. You are never alone in your experience. Step outside of the room, or the house that you are in. And make that phone call.
Psychosis is also called, “tricks of the mind.” Just know this, we are dealing with something that can be tough. Take your life one day and a time. If you’re having trouble. I promise you, help is out there.
Stick with treatment and your practitioners. They know what they are doing. You will find the people you need. Make phone calls. Be proactive in your health and wellness. Ask lots of questions. Do your research.
Mental health is a process, trust my experience.
Make the phone calls my friend.